Dream Analysis: amateur hour

I'm left feeling a bit icky this morning from last night's dreams.  I'm bothered that several of my dreams lately have been so violent and disturbing.  I haven't been putting violence into my head so what is it?  Am I afraid of something?  Are there fears I need to face down?

Probably so.

Probably because I'm on the cusp of something big for myself.  And with that comes the fear.

Like... Will I fail?  Will I be rejected?  Will others not connect to what I'm doing?  Will I look stupid?  Will I stop doing the work because of my fears?  Will I lose sight of the fact that maybe somewhere out there someone is waiting/needing to hear what I've got to say?  Will I lose or worse yet, not find my way?  What about alienating people?

Without pretending to be a dream analyst, maybe that's what these dreams stem from.  At least it got me to thinking.

You gotta name your fears to face them down.

I Write Because...

I write because I like pen against paper.  I write because it feeds my soul.  I write because it gets me out of my head.  I write because it gets me thinking.  I write because I'm pissed.  I write because I grieve.  I write because I want to remember.  I write because I have nothing better to do.  I write because I don't want to do anything else.  I write to set goals.  I write to avoid talking.  I write because I'm getting older and what if I run out of time to say all that I want to say?  I write to chronicle, to capture.  I write to capture the poem floating through my head.  I write so my daughter will have something of me after one day when I'm gone.  I write to confess secrets.  I write because I'm told to.  I write because I can.  I write when I'm lonely.  I write to connect with others.  I write to make noise in the quietness.  I write as a meditation.  I write because I dream.

Inspired by Terry Tempest Williams "Why I Write" from Writing Creative Nonfiction

 

Little fires

I'm feeling rather enthusiastic today.  Mainly because I'm working toward a more authentic, freer me.  Whether I'm there yet or not doesn't matter.  What matters is that I'm doing something.  That I'm actually taking action.  No more procrastinating.  No more excuses.

I'm having to admit to myself that it's okay to read what I have called "Self Help Sh*#" if that's what helps me figure myself out.  But I'm being selective.  I'm not going to just read and do anything.  I can be very easily swayed at times if I'm not careful and I want to feel that I am reading and doing stuff that my gut tells me is genuine, authentic, right.  I don't want to put crap into my brain and soul that isn't useful.

So basically, what this boils down to is that I'm working my way through "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron.  This is a book I've had in my possession for well over 10 years but haven't ever made it all the way through.  But basically, it rocks.  And dangit, I'm gonna make it through this time.  I have been told it can help you find your magic.  So far, the magic I'm feeling is that I'm on the cusp of something big and genuine for myself.  Even if to others eyes that something seems small.  We will see.

Also (and this may be jumping the gun a bit because I haven't finished the book yet), I am reading "The Fire Starter Sessions" by Danielle LaPorte...which basically rocks as well.  I was wary at first because like I said above, I can be wary of what self-helpish stuff I digest.  Well, all I can say is by what I've read of the book and what I've seen and read on her website www.daniellelaporte.com/ is that I want to digest ALL that she is putting out there.  I feel a genuineness and authenticity oozing out of her.  I don't feel like I'm being sales-pitched.  And it feels like it's sparking a little fire in my heart as well.

This year (and hopefully all the years to follow),  is about searching out and exploring my creativity and what it means.  What moves me.  What will come from it I don't yet know.  But something will.  And I will be "freer than I think I am".